…FaSHioNaBLY-uNSoPHiSTiCaTeDLY-CRaZY…

It’s over
You don’t need to tell me
I hope you’re with someone who makes you
feel safe in your sleep
and tonight
I won’t kill myself, trying to stay in your life
I got no distance left to run

When you see me
Please turn your back and walk away
I don’t want to see you
‘Cause I know the dreams that you keep
That’s where we meet
When your coming down, think of me here
I got no distance left to run

It’s over, I knew it would end this way
I hope you’re with someone who makes you feel
That this life is a life
One who settles down, stays around
Spends more time with you
I got no distance left to run

Used me…

Played me…

Left you…

Threw me…

Hated you…

Ignored you…

Isolated myself…

Killed myself…

Buried myself…

Forgotten you…

Erased you…

I’ve moved on…

Cruel so is the world which prefers robots over humans…

Reality sank in, shedding light upon non-existent emotions…

Setting Mammon free… Killing myself…

So the devils in me can live once again…

Neither Gabriel nor Lucifer can save me now…

Don’t bother talking cos I’ve already forgotten you…

listening to akon’s "don’t matter" made me wanna blog this in…

School is startin in 6days… back to life n reality…

good n bad in certain ways…

good cos im finally out of a 1mth holiday after my overseas itp… (What itp?…haha…)

bad cos i dont want to start life again, in all its hectic craziness… n ultimate boredom… n being a misfit among normal people…

well, a month of hols is coming to an end, but the memories of my overseas itp are still in my mind… the ppl i met there, be it the SPUP students, the ppl on the street, my "girlfriends" - 2 in fact, the atmosphere, the language, the culture… i felt like i was perfectly at home for that 3weeks… n returning home to s’pore was smthg i know would break me, but i feel that the time i had there was worth it…

well, i did enjoy myself there, getting to know ppl from other classes, n getting to know the 04 ppl better… eg. shared room with soon ning, whom i thought was just another average chinese guy, but he’s really different when i got to know him… n shaun n clarence n chonghui… its great to know the true person beneath their social exterior…

time goes by quickly when you’re having fun, n 3wks did fly by… i cld still remember the day we landed at makassar… n the next moment, we’re flying home… it was really2 fun, memorable n, i quote from mr sia, my lecturer, "a once in a lifetime opportunity".

i miss the ppl n friends there… cos we spoke the same language, n we were all indonesians, so coming home was like taking away a part of me that made me who i am today… its like having to part with my other half, returning home with nothing but a heavy heart n memories n held back tears n part of my identity n soul missing…

but then again… i can always go back there when im already tired of living in singapore, cos i have family there… so its not a big problem…

back to reality, life is gonna start soon for me… so im preparing myself for the sudden influx of stress n craziness next week… back to boredom of classrooms, lectures, and really great n crazy friends (yay!)…

perhaps while im still here, i should just cherish the moments i have here, embrace it, live it, and return to my "other" home without any regrets that i had nothing back in s’pore…

live life to the fullest… n live each day like it was my last… final year, gotta really cherish the moments im gonna go thru, cos its then or never…

The world surrounds my soul… i sit in the centre of the universe… trapped in a glass box…

all alone…

confused…

scared…

hopeless…

lost…

to the world… i am nobody… irrelevant…

my thoughts, emotions, as big as the universe itself… trapped in a glass box…

the world moves… i’m just a spectator… neglected, unappreciated… a soul thrown away once expired… not knowing the inner soul is still alive…

why won’t people stop and listen to what i have to say?…

the result of failing once in life, even if i have succeeded many times before… is like a drop of ink in a bowl of milk…

tainted.

is it a crime to fail?…

failing…

it doesn’t mean i’m useless, lifeless, emotionless… i still have a right to live, to feel, to express my thoughts… my freedom of choice, buried, leaving me and what’s left of me in this prison filled with misery and neglect…

time goes by so slowly, the world in all its glory,

while i lay here…

waiting…

waiting…

and waiting…

for a chance to be accepted again…

(from the song "Brothers on a Hotel Bed" by Death Cab for Cutie. I only took out the part which meant the most to me, about friendships that fade - be it faded or fading soon. I will keep those friends in my memories.)

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting
because I’m not who I used to be
No longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise
The youthful boy below who turned your way and saw
Something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident

On the back of a motor bike
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed we couldn’t break from the concrete
In the city where we still reside.
And I have learned
that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men cause now we say goodbye to go our own separate ways.

i miss home… not singapore i mean but jakarta, indonesia…cos im half singaporean, half indonesian… im an indonesian born n grown in singapore that is… race = indonesian

after returning from home for a lil more than a week now, i still miss home… n my cousin who had passed away… i really miss him… when he was alive, i never got the chance to get real close to him, never fulfilled promises of bringing him over here… one fateful day in end november, i was walking in the foodcourt in sp when my mp3 earpiece wire got caught in a table and it snapped… seconds after, i received an sms from my mom, saying that my cousin in indo had died the night before… it was a sign telling me something bad had happened… n i cried upon receiving the news…

i mean… to lose someone whom i rarely got to see, but yearn to be close to as family… it really hurt me a lot… his passing was a great loss to me…

so i went back to indo on 30jan to visit his grave… n i returned from home on 6jan… til today, i could never forgive myself for the things i had never done for him… never caring, never knowing of his existence til he was gone… i spend most of the time since i returned staring into thin air, my mind wandering into deep thought n regret… some of my friends say im not quite myself since i returned… which is true… its just that, i feel at such a loss, blaming myself for not being there for him… he’s my cousin, and he looks a lot like me… losing him was like losing a part of myself…

now he’s gone forever… but i still pray for him… hoping to see him in heaven someday… when i went home, i got close to his younger brother, dipo…

to not want history to repeat itself, both of us keep in touch… thru email, friendster n hp… anything to ensure we keep in touch n talked to each other always…he just smsed me that he was in hospital suffering from fever n bleeding from it…which is kinda serious… which was the same thing his brother went thru after i left indo in 2002, exactly a week after i left… to me, i see dipo’s situation as a sign of things to come…

i dont want to lose another cousin from home again… he’s coming here in march n im really looking forward to that… i didnt manage to bring his brother here, but i want to bring him here so that deep down inside i know that i have done something meaningful to my cousin, him knowing that i care for the family there, n i dont ever want to lose a part of home anymore…

im planning to move back home when im 25 or 27… cos ive spent most of my life here with my family here… but its only fair that i also spend the rest of my life back home, with the other half of my family… after my uni i really want to go back home… where i truly belong cos singapore is just not a place i want to grow up, raise my family n kids n grow old… its just impossible to live in a place which revolves around money… n i want my kids to live well n happy, in a big house, with 2 cars… i just want the best for them… education, they can come back to singapore to study, but i want their home to be in indo…

ive never shed a tear before in my entire life whenever i left jakarta, but the recent trip, i shed tears when the plane left the ground n i saw jakarta down below as it faded away… cos i realised that i left home n all my loved ones for a place i temporarily call home… my heart was shattered when i left jakarta on 6jan…

i really miss home, n i wanna go home… where i belong… my heart yearns for the day i return to where i came from… n be amongst my loved ones… cos the family here has already broken apart, i dont feel its a family anymore, with my relatives n their grudges against each other, nothing to uphold anymore, it doesnt feel like a family anymore here, so i really want to go home…

i will return home… in 7years time… i wont miss anything here except for my sec school mates, poly classmates n friends like audrey nyp, alex n yang…ppl i grew up with… it’ll be sad to leave them for home… only time will tell whats gonna happen…

bumped into ken today… the second time in bus 106 towards town… and we got talking…ken from tc who has been missing for a long time now…

one thing, he lives in a condo in bt timah… one thing i never knew abt him…n he’s not coming tc cause he’s busy with tons of projects n stuff… but i told him that if he wants to come back to tc, he’s more than welcomed to drop by anytime…

well, beneath that pale goth black exterior lies a kind soul who just wants to talk… n we did talk for quite a lot… im kinda surprised that he talked that much since we haven’t met in ages…

his hair is normal, i mean short, cos normal means his hair is long… cos he shaved his head n is growing to keep his long hair again…

talked abt itp, n how he had to find for his own company or he will get 20 marks deducted from his assignments…i mean thats kinda harsh n unfair to MIT students n i kinda pity him, but he’s got placement at some broadcasting agency so i guess its not that bad…

well other than that, nothing has changed abt him… except that he talks more now… maybe to me cos i was close to him before… well, at least he’s a real good friend… hope to see him again soon in tc though…

well, thats all abt ken for all u tc ppl… he’s a real good friend n a black goth icon…

finally… after waiting for 2 weeks… my phone is finally here!…

my black sony ericsson w850i!…

man… it looks great… i thought it played wma files, but when i searched thru the booklet, it doesnt… so sad… i need to get a wma converter… anyone knows where to get?… can recommend me one?

well, 1gb is a lot, n my old mp3 player can finally rest now… its only a meagre 256mb…

i mean… its a w850i!… looks great, feels great, is great… downside, wma-unsupported… n it took me a while to adjust from spinning a nokia 7280 to using a keypad… n a sony ericsson keypad at that… took me about 10mins to figure out smsing… trust me, 10mins IS a long time…

functions are great, n so many… n the buttons are tiny n kinda brittle… kinda afraid i might break them by accident…

well, no more changing of phones for me… this is the last one…

no more nokiafreak as nokia phones suck these days… bad design, bad functions, poor battery life… so i successfully converted to a sony ericsson fan…

so its w850i til the end… n sony ericsson from now on…kinda miss my nokia 7280 though…

im on the verge of losing my mind…

just sitting here thinking of the past year… i just want to explode deep down inside… there have been bitter n sad moments… too many to be exact… i now know the people i regarded as family better, deeper… not exactly in a good way… but to know them deeper gives me a hint of their true personality… and how to stay away from that…n im not talking about my classmates…

too many times have i shed tears… too many times have time n effort been sacrificed for no return… i know what i do demands no return, i know that for a fact since my sec school days… but all i ask for is cooperation… n mutual understanding… some say they dont understand how i work cos they dont understand me… well, neither do i understand them, but i make do with what i know n work around it… thats how i work… n its more painful than what they imagine… being a leader, a role model… i cant cry, i cant break down… people say they have problems with me… i accept all that…

but did they ever think if i ever have problems with them?… or that they are the root of the problem in the first place?… people are so self-centred, never want to be wrong, never want to be blamed… why must i be blamed for things i didnt do, things i dont have control of?… things which are personal n not work-related?… its such a crazy world n everyone is only thinking about themselves… not thinking of others…

i just want to say that i am never going to forgive those who have done so much wrong to me… those who put themselves before others, those who think i have a problem but in fact they are the problem, those who just want me dead… i will never forgive you… though u might have seeked for forgiveness, but i will never forgive u til my dying day…

sometimes i feel this world is a fake, a mirage, an illusion, something created to hide the truth from me…well, i have seen the truth n i prefer to live in the truth rather than living in a daze everyone else is living in… open your eyes people and see that the world is not just what you see, but it runs deep in our souls…

i faced a few deaths recently… my cousin in indo died while studying for his final paper of final year university… n my uncle’s mom just died last week… it seems that Death is knocking on the door… maybe he wants me dead…  looking at my uncle’s mom’s burial, im reminded of my own life, my fate… n i look back on the things ive done…ive never regretted what ive done in my life… everything i did was part of my experience…

the only thing i regret is that i am not close to God… i used to be close to Him, but i became farther from him since i was 10… i know He loves me, but im not ready to accept His love again after all the things ive done… but i keep Him in my heart, knowing He is still there for me…

well, suicide just came to mind… so did mutilation… perhaps i should end my life right now…

but i will leave behind my friends… friends like saufi, boonzy, shasha, rinzy, val, fifi, sheng, shawal, the malay guys…friends who have been with me since the beginning like zman, mesh n granny… i will miss u guys if i were to die now…

well, life must go on for me, no matter what happens, its for the best… i love to choose my fate, but now, i let fate do its job for a while, while i spend some time on my own…

2006 was a year that brought me tears, revelations, true friendships (my classmates), success, social ties… i has brought me more bad things than good…

i hope 2007 will be a better year… time to move on… my work has never been appreciated so i have to move on… bring myself away from low-level people and to elite people… like spsu… thinking ahead for the sake of everyone…

2007 holds more sorrows, but im more prepared to accept them now… fingers crossed…